Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – My First Racist Encounter

That's me in the middle.

Besides almost dying from cholera when I was one and getting my hand crushed by a large, steel door when I was three, the rest of my early childhood in Korea was mostly a time of innocence and fun. I do have that one memory where my mom is pumping breast milk for my sister into what seemed to me at the time a large basin, but I’m still not really sure what to make of that image, whether it traumatized me or simply surprised me. But other than that, it’s hard to recall anything remotely negative. All I see is a skinny, Korean boy playing in the stream trying to catch frogs and tadpoles; hiking and exploring the hillsides and woods (we visited the shigol [countryside] often); waiting around the corner, listening for the man with the pull cart to ring his bell so that I could buy and devour a newspaper cone full of bundaegi (roasted silk worm pupae), which, at the time, was by far the most delicious thing on the planet (today, I can’t go near the stuff); feeding cute, fluffy, yellow chicks with rice grains; throwing a hammer at my grandfather’s head; and running away from my three uncles after pouring a bucketful of soapy water into the well, our main source of drinking water (they had to empty the entire well and wait for the next rain to replenish the supply). Of course, I only remember bits and pieces, but from those fragments and the stories my folks share with me, it seems that I really was a rambunctious, happy, little kid who, unlike the current me, actually loved to dance. Continue reading

Smelling with Words

This was initially supposed to be a Facebook post, but it simply got too long. Several years ago, I started reading Perfume by Patrick Süskind. I wasn’t expecting much—maybe a twisted thriller or a simple, mass market murder mystery with “scent forensics” as the unifying thread. The last thing I was expecting was a work of art. Indeed, it was slow going at the front end, but I kept reading simply because of the sheer artistry of the writing. Eventually, however, the story picked up, and I finished the book because of the compelling, albeit perverse, plot. But, again, it was the writing that made this book brilliant. And I’m not speaking simply about vocabulary, which, by the way, I felt was not the least bit pretentious. And while certainly the style is both unique and pristine, I believe it was Süskind’s descriptive prowess that made the book a masterpiece. To be able to capture scent with words in a way that the reader can almost smell it emanating from the book—that’s remarkable. Continue reading

Abortion – A Feminist Pastor’s View

At the moment, I’m quite busy working on my New Year’s talk, but I wanted to share with you a sermon I found by the Presbyterian minister the Reverend Terry Hamilton-Poor. I came across this gem while doing comprehensive research on the issue of abortion. In 1991, Stanley Hauerwas (Professor of Theological Ethics at Duke Divinity School & Professor of Law at Duke University) gave a talk on abortion titled “Abortion, Theologically Understood” at the annual conference of The United Methodist Church. To start his talk, he read this sermon by Pastor Hamilton-Poor. It’s short, and not comprehensive, but it gives what I believe to be an excellent example of how Christians and the church can (and should) respond to the issue using the gospel. It also includes some powerful and real responses to abortion toward the end. Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – Among Professionals

In this post, my friend and colleague Dr. Hue-Sun Ahn (pronounced Hae-Sun) shares about an experience with racism in the professional world of clinical counselors and psychologists. I’m sure many readers will resonate with her story as racism is still systemic across most professional disciplines. Continue reading

How I Write Sermons

This post will probably be of particular interest to pastors; however, over the years, I have found that some congregants are also quite curious as to how pastors go about preparing their sermons. I am writing this entry in hopes to give folks a somewhat voyeuristic peek into the sermon writing process. Of course, my method is only one of many, but I think this entry should help folks get a rough idea as to what sermon prep can be like. I also hope to dispel the common misconceptions that writing a sermon is easy and that pastors are able to “just get up and preach” (behind which the assumption is that little preparation is necessary.)* By the way, I think the question I’ve been asked the most by far as a pastor is, “What do you pastors do during the week?” I remember someone saying to me, “You guys have it easy. Just chilling all week and hanging out with people and reading. That’s gotta be the life.” Don’t I wish. My friend addresses this question and myth on his blog. I’ll probably write about it one day as well. ;p Continue reading

Official Facebook Page

Hi everyone!

So this is it. This is my official foray into the “professional” blogging world.

I’ve also just launched the “everything is beautiful*” Facebook Page. If you could help a writer out by clicking the “Like” button at the upper right side of the page, I promise to work my butt off at improving the blog’s content and writing for your enjoyment. Just trying to get some traction as I get things going.

Thanks a bunch!

A Story About Holding Hands

Over the summer in 2003, I served as one of the chaplains at Overlook Medical Center in Summit, NJ. I actually didn’t choose to do this voluntarily—one unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) is required for pastoral candidates to get ordained in my denomination. But despite it being forced upon me, I was looking forward to it. Among my friends, every pastor who completed the CPE requirement told me it would be life-changing. And, indeed, it was. Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – Credit Card Fraud

It happened sometime during my years in junior high. I still remember it being a dark and dreary day. (Talk about a hackneyed beginning. Please forgive. ;p) I forgot why our family was on the road, but I remember thinking that I didn’t want to be in the car anymore. What made things worse was that our family was hungry. Not hungry in the sense that we were starving as a family, but hungry because it was time for dinner. But even this type of hunger makes things unbearable for me and those within my “killzone”. (My wife learned this lesson early on, the hard way.)

Anyway, I remember finally stopping somewhere to eat dinner. My dad parked the car, and the rest of us quickly followed him into the restaurant shielding ourselves from the drizzle.

I’m not sure which restaurant it was, but I can still see vividly the entire encounter unfold before my mind’s eye. My dad is walking up to the long, well-lit counter, he places an order, and then pulls out his wallet to pay for the meal. Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – On a Bus in Philly

I don’t know why I was in Center City Philadelphia on that particular day. But I do recall it being an especially beautiful spring day and that I was waiting for a bus to take me back to campus. I wasn’t really in a rush, so instead of jumping at every bus appearing over the horizon, I took the time to soak in the sun and let my mind wander as I stood in the bus stall. I remember closing my eyes, and thinking, “Nothing can ruin this day.” I probably also had the conviction that I would skip all my classes that day, which added a pinch of euphoria to my emotional state.

That’s when a man’s voice jolted me out of my serene stupor. “Excuse me,” he said from behind me. “I hope I’m not bothering you, but are you Korean?” Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – Princeton Seminary Dining Hall

Very few seminary campuses compare to Princeton Theological Seminary in terms of sheer beauty. Anybody who’s visited the historic institution knows this. In fact, I heard through the grapevine that Miller Chapel was mentioned in Martha Stewart’s list of most beautiful places to get married. I haven’t been able to verify this, but I can easily see how it could very well be true. (The wife and I got hitched there.) Not enough can be said about the architecture, the greens and the surrounding area. The place looks absolutely gorgeous year-round. (Click on pics to see more photos.)

One place that typically gets overlooked in terms of aesthetic appeal is the Mackay Campus Center, especially the dining hall. The picture doesn’t do it justice. The tall, wide windows at the end of the hall let in copious amounts of sunlight and give students excellent views of the changing seasons as they eat, chat and study throughout the year. It also has two levels and massive chandeliers noticeably held up by only three or four large screws. We used to comment that if those things fell, they would kill half of the student population. I have many fond memories of that dining hall.

Unfortunately, it is also in this setting that I had one of my more memorable racist encounters. We don’t normally associate the modern seminary with racism, especially fairly liberal ones like Princeton (though certainly a spectrum of conservatives, moderates, and liberals are represented); however, racism is alive and well even there. Continue reading

The Day My Baby Sister Heard God’s Voice

[As I do the Racism series, I will occasionally include off-topic posts as little breathers.]

Sometime during my years in elementary school, my dad was estranged from us. There was some issue with the status of his immigration visa, and it took over a year to resolve. For some, this might sound routine; however, for us, it was a very stressful and painful experience. Not only were we unsure if he would ever be able to come back to the States, but we were also not very well-off.

My mom suffered tremendously that year trying to put food on the table. Since the separation was unexpected, she had to scramble to find a job in a country where she could barely speak the language. Thankfully, a church friend offered my mom a wage for sewing little clothing pieces like socks and cuffs. But to make even a little money, she had to sew thousands of these things. My mom shares with me that she spent many sleepless nights sewing sock after sock; oftentimes, she fell asleep at the sewing machine exhausted. I still have many memories of my Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – My First Fight & Girls

My first schoolyard fight occurred in the 7th grade during a lunch recess. I was attending Memorial Middle School at the time. The yard itself was rather large. As you can see in the picture, it included three softball/baseball fields, a large intervening field connecting the three diamonds and a blacktop. Clearly it was impossible for teachers to keep track of all the kids, and the students knew this. So, quite often, in hidden corners and far-off tree lines, kids would engage in make-out sessions, look at porn magazines (no internet/wifi back then) and so on. This is also why my first fight was able to break out and last as long as it did. (By the way, to orient yourselves as to the point of this series of posts, it might be helpful to read at least the first half of the first entry.) Continue reading

Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace – My Oldsmobile

I’m going to do a series of posts titled “Memories of Racism, Memories of Grace.” As a Korean-American, I have faced much racism. I want to use this series to relay some of those experiences. But rather than rant about the injustice of racism, I hope to take a memoir-like approach where I describe the experiences and how they shaped my life.

You will find that while the racist encounters I describe in each post caused me significant pain and scarring, they were also the “source” of much grace. This was something that I could not have anticipated when I was young, but over the years, as I grappled with the many bitter memories, I found that they forced me to plumb the depths of not only my own heart, but also the heart of humanity in general. This wrestling helped me to better understand myself as well as those around me. And when I combined this knowledge with my faith, I discovered that there is a way to weave those racist encounters into the narrative of my life so that they produced understanding instead of tribalism, empathy rather than bitterness and wisdom over blind retribution. In other words, experience and faith helped me to find ways to redeem the evil within and without to produce grace and hope. I have not always succeeded, of course. But I have found that it is indeed possible. In fact, as a Christian, this type of redemption should be the dynamic thread running through all of life’s moments. Continue reading

A Disturbing Psychological Study – Life-Impacting Consequences of Energy Depletion

From Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman):

A disturbing demonstration of depletion effects in judgment was recently reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. The unwitting participants in the study were eight parole judges in Israel. They spend entire days reviewing applications for parole. The cases are presented in random order, and the judges spend little time on each one, an average of 6 minutes. (The default decision is denial of parole; only 35% of requests are approved. The exact time of each decision is recorded, and the times of the judges’ three food breaks – morning break, lunch, and afternoon break – during the day are recorded as well.) The authors of the study plotted the proportion of approved requests against the time since the last food break. The proportion spikes after each meal, when about 65% of request are granted. During the two hours or so until the judges’ next feeding, the approval rate drops steadily, to about zero just before the meal. As you might expect, this is an unwelcome result and the authors carefully checked many alternative explanations. The best possible account of the data provides bad news: tired and hungry judges tend to fall back on the easier default position of denying requests for parole. Both fatigue and hunger probably play a role.

Disturbing, no? Sheesh. I can think of a gazillion other situations where this effect could lead to horrible outcomes.

Kahneman adds, “the nervous system consumes more glucose than most other parts of the body, and effortful mental activity appears to be especially expensive in the currency of glucose.” Basically, when we engage in tasks that require significant concentration and self-control, we need energy to do it well. If we don’t have that energy, we either fall back to a less taxing mode of operation (e.g. thinking less, saying “no” to acquittals, etc.) or our cognitive performance deteriorates. Multiple studies have confirmed this effect (though, frankly, it should be common sense). I guess all those commercials about making sure we eat breakfast before school were right.

What’s disturbing about this is that most folks, groups or companies do not account for this effect in their daily lives or day-to-day operation. Yes, we know we’re tired and hungry when we don’t eat, and we get cranky and sleepy. We don’t want to do our work or we go at it half-steam. Performance drops. But I don’t think it crosses our minds too often that our judgment is actually “impaired,” and that in this state, we can make significant mistakes in life-altering decisions (for ourselves and others).

Ultimately, most of the time, glucose-depletion probably won’t lead to major catastrophes in your life. For me, it can cause me to be short with people, including my wife. (She’s learned to feed me when I’m cranky, which usually solves the problem.) But sometimes, the consequences can be significant. So I’d advise against making important decisions in a glucose-depleted state. And I hope companies and structures (like parole boards!) are somehow incorporating these findings in their planning and operations. I’d hate to see a reformed person get turned down because a judge didn’t eat. (Yes, the recidivism rate is high, but that’s all the more reason the judge needs to be mentally alert so she can factor that variable in.)

What’s the moral of the story. Well, there’s a few (and probably more, but I’m mentally depleted at the moment):

  • Students: Eat breakfast & drink something sugary before an exam. (Artificial sweetener doesn’t work.) Don’t eat anything too heavy because that might have the opposite effect.
  • Be aware of your mental and bodily state (i.e. before doing something that’s mentally taxing, did you replenish yourself?). This is easier said than done.
  • Eat healthy snacks at regular intervals, especially when you feel your performance dropping.
  • Christians: Not everything is “spiritual.” When the prophet Elijah was running away from Jezebel’s cronies, he got to a point where he was so depressed that he asked God to kill him. You know what God said to him? Pray harder? Repent? No. He said, “Get up and eat.” If you’re in a bad mood or depressed or can’t perform well, don’t jump to thinking it’s a demon or you’re in a sinful mode. Maybe you just need to eat?!

Of course, there is a caveat to all of this. Sometimes overthinking can lead to errors in judgment (e.g. making a football pass during a game, etc.), but that’s a topic for another day. For now, it’s a safe bet that being aware of our mental & bodily state, eating well & eating regular light snacks can help give us the resources to fuel our cognitive apparatus and improve our performance. That is, hopefully. For example, if you don’t study and you just have some fruit before an exam, you might be more alert and have the necessary glucose to power your brain, but you’ll still stink up the test. ;p